P1B August Newsletter
Forward, up and In II
Where were we?
Well, August has flashed by faster than a disposable BBQ, and I'd forgotten I'd left you all hanging. Sorry.
We were trundling down the runway in close formation, hanging on for grim death and then, like the pretty girl in a nightclub five minutes before closing, I just vanished.
So now I'll put you back in the cockpit.
I think I said I was leading the formation, which is actually the easy bit, so let's switch roles and I'll be the wingman... or wingwoman, depending on your orientation.
As the wing person, you have a lot to get to grips with.
And grip is very important...
You need to hold the control column in a certain way.
What?
Well, it's actually something nobody teaches you.
When you're nervous, you tend to squeeze for dear life.
You know, like a tube of toothpaste you've borrowed from your Scottish friend that has exactly one pea-sized portion left.
But here's the rub, excuse the pun.
The more you squeeze, the less you actually feel.
You need to keep a light grip on the control column so that you can feel all that wonderful mechanical feedback and let the aircraft talk to you.
Of course, all this nonsense went out of the window when fly-by-wire was invented.
A bit like getting one of those inflatable dolls through the post.
It's just not the same...
Allegedly.
As your leader accelerates, his nosewheel begins to lift from the runway and you need to mirror every single movement.
You apply just enough gentle back pressure to break contact with terra firma.
Now for the really tricky bit.
As his main wheels lift clear, you also need to be feeling the aircraft becoming airborne.
As soon as he's flying, he checks you're airborne too.
Very embarrassing if you're not.
With a single nod of his helmet, he retracts his undercarriage.
So now you're watching his helmet...
Travelling at around 170 mph...
Hurtling down the runway in full reheat...
Only about three feet above the ground...
And now you've got to fumble around inside your cockpit with your left hand and raise your own undercarriage.
Clearly you can't afford to look inside for long, so it's all very touchy-feely.
As the gear comes up, it's time to do some of that Blue Angels stuff and very gently slide a little closer.
Why?
Well, whilst you're rolling down the runway you're about ten feet apart.
If you're about to disappear into thick cloud at only 200 feet, you need to be less than six feet apart.
Otherwise, your leader will disappear faster than a mark on Bill Clinton's suit at the dry cleaners.
Now, working like a one-armed paper hanger...
Who on earth came up with that expression?
...you need to "clean up".
Sorry Bill.